The Beat of Your Heart

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, “Wait.”

“Wait? you say wait?” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.

“My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,
Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

“You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply.”

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, “Wait.”
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting for what?”

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

“I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me.
You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.

“You’d not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

“You’d never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

“The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

“You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I’m doing in you.

“So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait.”

How fast do these little legs go?

I have an itch today, an itch to go- to run, to sprint. I need to leave. I need to do an 180 degree turn and sprint as hard as I can away from Chapel Hill.

Sometimes I feel normal life reminds me of things that I don't want to think about or be mindful of anymore. I long for that feeling of being somewhere new, where I don't know anyone or anything and my normal life is left to the wayside.

I can't explain it very well- but that is my heart and that is where I am at right now. I want to sprint.

Freedom.

Knowing that this is my Senior year, the word freedom has been ringing in my mind. In only 2 short months, I will be free from school. Free from papers that are looming over my head. Free from set hours of class time. Free from trying to fool my professors into thinking that I have been paying attention for the past 45 minutes. Free from academia and everything it tries to pollute my mind with.

I was talking to a friend yesterday and she was telling me about some of her friends that were struggling with their faith due to some professor's lies. He claims he is not bias. He is. He claims not to have an agenda. He does. And because of the lies that he feeds hungry, bound up, students, they run away from God. Can you not see the chains he is looping around you? Do you not feel the heaviness of his claims? You think that the search for "true intellectual academia" brings freedom. Why have you fooled yourself?

God, the God who created every petal of every wildflower, the God who created every burst of sunlight, the God who created every cell in your brain that allows you to question him, loves you. He wants you. He is jealous for you. He sees these lies and he weeps over them. He sees you turning away from him and he pleads you not to turn one degree further. He doesn't think, "Oh great...have to go run after her again," but instead thinks "My child, my love, my bride- come to me. What I have for you is so much better. It is freedom."

We desire freedom. God WILL give us the desires of our hearts. He promises that to us. While we may not keep our promises, he keeps his. Our desires of freedom will be fulfilled because he gives us himself. There is freedom in the love of Christ.

Run to that, dear friends. Refuse to accept lies. Run to Freedom.

Seemingly Great

I believe I have started this post four or five times. The words have been reeling in my mind for days. I have marinated my thoughts, my emotions and my feelings, so that I am able to express fully--my heart.

I am seemingly great.

Now for some explanation as to why these four simple words have been so difficult to express. When I am sad, emotions are easy to detect. Sad is my deviant and a deviant, by property, always acts different than the norm. However, when I am normal, I usually forget to recognize my emotions. Happiness is an emotion, as well, and it deserves to be recognized. However, this normal, gets muddled in my everyday. I forget to look at triumphs because they fade into the background. What does that say about me? I can praise God or complain when I am frustrated or upset, but I completely forget to praise God during the "everyday"? Where is my focus? Where are my emotions?

I was reading some quotes by Justin Martyr recently, which mainly inspired this post, and this one particularly welled up emotion:

"And when you hear that we look for a kingdom, you suppose, without making any inquiry, that we speak of a human kingdom. Instead, we speak of that which is with God, as can be shown from the confession of their faith made by those who are charged with being Christians, even though they know that death is the punishment awarded to those who so confess. For if we looked for a human kingdom, we would deny our Christ, so that we might not be killed. We would try to escape detection, so that we might obtain what we hope for. But since our thoughts are not fixed on the present, we are not concerned when men cut us off; since death is a debt which must at all events be paid." 

The Christians during that time of persecution were so focused on heaven and the life that they would experience with Jesus that they had no care to what would happen to their bodies. They craved for life in heaven with Jesus, for they knew Paul's words were true- "To die is gain." The thought of not worshipping Christ as Lord would not enter their minds, for the thought did not exist. However, Justin does mention those who would deny Christ because their focus was not solely on heaven. Their focus was present.

Sure, I would love to believe that my thoughts were always on heaven. I would love to believe that the thought of not worshipping Christ as Lord was not present in my gallery of thoughts. I would love to believe that I could stand before persecution and be so heaven focused that the present tribulations had no room in my mind.

This is not the case, and my aforementioned emotions ring that. When I am sad, when I am troubled, and when I am frustrated, I run to Jesus- Jesus, my healer and my comforter. When I seem to be drowning in the quicksand of life, I reach for Jesus. But the truth is, Jesus wants to spit me out of his mouth. My lukewarm devotion has no place in his kingdom. I say that I desire a relationship with Jesus, yet during the "seemingly great" times, my focus is presently bound, not heavenly bound. Christ desires to rejoice in the great times. He desires to be overjoyed, when I am overjoyed. He wants to celebrate my happiness along with me.

Jesus is not solely a God of valleys. He is a God of mountains, valleys, fields, and oceans. May my mind be ever focused on Jesus so that when I am running, he is running with me, when I am walking, he is holding my hand, and when I can not walk, he is carrying me.